Getting to 50/50, Pipe-dream or New Reality?

Submitted by admin on Tue, 03/17/2009 - 5:43pm.

I had a chance to sit down with Sharon Meers, co-author (with Joanna Strober) of the newly released book Getting to 50/50, How Working Couples can Have it All by Sharing it All. This book is attracting national attention, with Joanna and Sharon’s recent Today Show appearance and articles on washingtonpost.com, and Elle Magazine. Meers and Strober mainstream the idea that most moms want to get ahead in their careers and still get to their kids games; and that what’s good for moms is good for dads too, because it means they get involved on the homefront. American women may have equality at work, but equality at home has been harder to come by. Getting to 50/50 provides a giant step in that direction.

1.Getting to 50/50 is a pipe dream for many working women. Give us a crash course in getting there.

We interviewed hundreds of men and women in dual career couples looking for a roadmap. Happy working couples found more fairness without any nagging – but with a lot of dialog, and some debate. Three steps seemed to matter most:

Make a master plan. No one wants a boss when they get home. So, when you are both in a good mood, take some time to write things down – what tasks are you each doing to make things run at home. It’s much easier to split the list fairly if you both can agree to all the items on it. When you can’t agree, you might consider step #2.
Let go. One husband told us how his wife felt all the beds in the house had to be made every day. He didn’t. So his wife thought her options were either to nag or to do it herself We found that happy working couples tried something else – considering the possibility that your spouse’s opinion is as valid as your own. In 50/50 homes, dads get to cast half the votes about what matters at home and moms get more equal sharing.
Show appreciation. It’s hard to say “thank you” for the little things than make up family life – it’s easy to take them for granted or not feel grateful at all when your spouse does things the “wrong” way. As our spouses will tell you, it’s hard for us too – but we remember to say “thanks” more often when we focus on one fact: If the task is done – even if we’d have done it differently ourselves – that, alone, is something to be happy about.

2. How do men feel about 50/50?

We’ve talked to hundreds of men writing this book. When dads understand how much men win from 50/50, they’re happy to enlist.

First, men need to know how much kids benefit from fathers. Research says that when dads spend time at their kid’s school, do homework and come home for dinner many things improve – a child’s behavior is better and confidence and grades are higher.

The benefit is mutual – strong bonds with kids are good for dads too. Studies also say, that men with the lowest levels of depression and stress disorders are the ones with the strongest bonds with their children.

In this economy, most men also appreciate that two career bets are better than one. Having two incomes gives a couple more options to find better jobs. When you know your spouse can pay the mortgage, you don’t have to take the first opening that comes along and you’re more likely to have some time to find the right next job. Or even to start a business. Some men we interviewed said they grew up thinking that a wife at home was a status symbol, a sign of success – but when they married women who wanted both work and family, they realized that the happiness of their wife was more important.

50/50 is also good for marriage. Data is now showing that when couples share earnings and housework more evenly, divorce risk drops about 50%. But pretty much every guy we talk to says his favorite fact is this: When men do their part at home, couples have more sex.

2. The economy is pushing many women back into the workforce. Getting to 50/50 is a great OnRamp strategy as many women are overwhelmed with outsourcing their day/mom job in order to take on a new paid job. Many SAHM’s have spoiled their husbands by taking on 100% of the household responsibilities. Do you have some strategies to help women who have been CEO’s of their home get to 50/50?

We interviewed a number of couples where the mom had taken a long time out of the workforce. It really seemed to help if the couple took time out to talk about what going back to work requires – learning new skills and having to prove yourself to new colleagues. What marriage experts told us is that when couples just “assume” they are on the same page, that’s when you get in trouble. Better to be as explicit as you can be and anticipate problems.

50/50 is a core belief – that work and family are equally important to men and women. Dads value time with their kids as much as women do. Moms value their jobs as much as men do. Talk about that – if you both think that’s true then it’s easier to problems-solve about the day-to-day.

Having the right mindset makes all the difference. Happy working couples also seemed to know that the facts say that kids can thrive with two working parents – and so can marriage. Look at the research (and read our book!) and you’ll know that’s true.
When you’ve set time aside to make the master plan, ask questions like “When I go back to work, how are we going to get dinner on the table?” Emphasis on WE. And remember his answer wins half the time – even if it’s “let’s order pizza.”

3.Many women who are now working part-time are moving to full-time for financial reasons and/or because they fear getting laid-off. How do you manage the home front when both spouses are working more and struggling to keep their jobs? Is there room for work-life balance in a recession?

In our own lives, work/life balance takes a hit when the economy is bad and our jobs are less secure. There’s just more work to be done at the office – no one, not even our bosses, know what will result in success so we all do more hoping something will pay off. And we don’t want to be seen as anything but the “good” worker.
That said, a number of things seem to help.

If you plan ahead, you can trade off who stays late at the office – someone needs to get home, but you can alternate whether it’s your husband or you.
You can also focus yourself, and your boss, on metrics that matter; you’ll be less anxious and your boss will value you more if you can both see that you are doing a great job getting more sales, seeing more patients, whatever it is that determines success where you work.
Drop everything else – all discretionary activity stops: put off spring cleaning (next year, the junk will still be there); if the 5 day road-trip to grandma’s is too difficult to plan, don’t do it for now;
Connect with your kids in simple way: Our favorite days are those Saturdays when everything is cancelled – no tee ball, no swim meets, no parties -- when we just stay home in our PJs, read together and play tag in the yard.

4. Have you read The Feminine Mistake? Leslie Bennett strongly believes that women should work and not give up their careers for family. Do you agree with Leslie and how can women avoid The Feminine Mistake?

It’s a great book. Our focus is different – we wrote this book for women who really want both career and family. And we focus on how much more easily women can have full careers (and men can be full parents) when husbands and wives use the 50/50 roadmap – there are many paths but they all lead in the direction of more equal sharing.

5. Can 2 people have power careers and really get to 50/50 or do you recommend that couples step off the ladder to make it happen?

We interviewed a lot of couples where both of the spouses had demanding careers. What they showed us is that it’s not necessary to step entirely off the ladder if your spouse gets a bigger job, but it probably helps to move sideways. As career management experts told us, we need a different mental model for career development – one that helps us to imagine the lateral moves we can make that improve our skill set but get greater control over our work hours for a time.

And if you know that both careers matter, that neither of you should be permanently #2, then it’s easier to look ahead and think about when the baton will get passed back so that the person who took the sidestep can have their chance to go for something they really want too.

Sharon Meers lives in the Bay Area with her husband Steve, a real-estate developer, and their son, age 7, and daughter, age 4. Sharon and Steve founded the Partnership for Parity at the Stanford Graduate School of Business School which supports Stanford's ongoing work on workplace parity and a similar effort at Harvard University called the Dual-Career Initiative. Sharon also serves on the board of the National Women's Law Center and on the advisory council of Stanford's Clayman Institute for Research on Gender and is a member of the Council on Foreign Relations. A graduate of Harvard College, she holds an M.A. in Economics from New York University.

Joanna Strober has spent her career in private equity, as an attorney and as a venture capital and buyout investor. She is currently Managing Director of a fund investing in private equity partnerships at Sterling Stamos Capital Management. As one of the few women in private equity in Silicon Valley, Joanna has been featured on the front page of the Wall Street Journal for launching many well-known and successful companies. Joanna lives in the Bay Area with her husband, Jason, a software entrepreneur, and their daughter, age 10, and two sons, ages 7 and 2. She holds a B.A. in Political Science from the University of Pennsylvania and a J.D. from UCLA.

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